dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
