belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize