i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
