Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
