Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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