Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
