you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
