hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize