i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
