the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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