You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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