I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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