Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
