Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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