I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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