U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize