I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
