I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
