I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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