Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
