At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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