Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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