Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
