Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
