new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
