I skipped work to stalk him.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
