Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
