omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize