just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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