I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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