can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
