My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
