my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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