Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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