i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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