If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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