I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
