You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
