she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
