why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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