I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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