My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
