I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
