Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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