Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
