i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
