hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
