and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
