Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
