i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
