Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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