You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
