I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
