before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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