We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
