toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
