My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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