I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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